Sucker Punch (2011)

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By: SG2 (Five Beers)

Baby Doll (Emily Browning) is a doll-faced catholic schoolgirl skirt-wearing blonde-haired wet dream that could just as well be one of Hugh Hefner’s Girl’s Next Door, of the don’t ask – take your chances edition, who has one hell of an imagination when she dances (say that all in one breath). Baby Doll ends up in an insane asylum when a bullet meant for her evil stepfather ricochets and kills her little sister. Now she only has one mission, to escape her forthcoming lobotomy.

She manages to plot and execute her escape by projecting herself in some icy post-apocalyptic world where her mission is to find one of five items that a swordsman who was high as fuck told her she needed: a map, a lighter, a knife, a key, and the last thing is something she must discover on her own with the help of Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish), Rocket (Jena Malone), Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens, who is not blonde), and Amber (Jamie Chung).

Bitch, it’s fist pounding time.

A Toast

My first glass of beer goes to the casting team that suggested Emily Browning for the role as Baby Doll. Even though she was a second to Amanda Seyfried, who couldn’t do it due to her contractual obligations to Big Love, Emily Browning definitely showed that she could hold her own in this film. She Sucker Punched my heart – and blue balls.

On second thoughts, I kind of wish Amanda Seyfried had been onboard.

Second Beer

As visually appealing as Sucker Punch was, the film didn’t make much sense, so drink this beer quick before you start to care. The film begins with a montage of how she ends up in the asylum. Like a terrible version of Inception, she awakes in a new reality, one where the girls aren’t crazy, but being traded for sex and dances by the administrators. This transition is almost missed. Then, from within that alternate reality, Baby Doll whisks herself into another reality while – dancing?

Yes, when Baby Doll dances she pretty much goes into la-la land like a tormented female rape victim closing her eyes and forgetting what her attacker is doing to her. Wow, that was graphic. When she awakes from that state of mind, she is applauded for being a great dancer and then told not to say a peep or her and her whole family will be killed. Ugh. Bring on the beer!

Zack Snyder: Look nerds, you’re going to like it. It’s got hot chicks and action? Do you really want more? Fanboy: Touché Emily Browning: DERP! Vanessa Hudgens: Zack is like Zac, but less gay.

Third Beer

Action schmacktion. As fudged-packed as the action was with its dark chocolate to cinnamon hues with the icy Japanese or post nuclear background, I started to kind of get bored. Zack Snyder did an amazing job with 300, which had some great action in it. One of his calling cards is pairing action with dark music with drums, bass, and guitar playing loudly. Eventually, it becomes repetitive. Just as I sleep to the equal frequency of crashing waves, the film became washed in a blow-em up white wash of noise. I almost started to doze off. This third beer didn’t really help me… just made me sleepier. Another might wake me up.

So, again… Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens) is not blonde. …WTF?

Fourth Beer

We never see Baby Doll dance either because Emily Browning can’t dance or she just looked really goofy dancing. Turns out that Baby Doll has to dance in order to go into this other world. After she dances, anyone who watched her dance just raves about it. Unfortunately, the audience never gets to see this. I wondered, why and how was it so amazing? In the film someone describes that she was gyrating her hips sensually, and that’s what we blue-balled perverted geeks wanted to see. Why wasn’t this revealed or shown? Beer me!

Fifth Beer

The ending. Call me your typical American audience member waiting for a happy ending – which will settle for good but not great. I’m not one to spoil the end of the film for you, but I’ll write this: the ending is a mixed bag. What makes a good movie is usually the conclusion. It seems like every good film has its purpose for the characters and whatever the goal is the principal character either makes it or gets someone else across the finish line. If you don’t like disappointments, drink this beer.

Consider yourself warned.

Verdict

The movie is probably not worth a watch, but it wasn’t a total stinker. Emily Browning is certainly worth the view, but I’d wait for it to come out on DVD. The crowd (while psyched at first) was silent throughout the entire movie. Mostly because it was a big mess and a let-down to anyone who wanted to see better action.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Roderick Rules (2011)

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By: Oberst von Berauscht (Six-Pack)

Greg Heffley is a typical middle-school kid, who lives in a typical middle-class house with his typical middle of the road family. The story follows him as he fights to find a place in the seventh grade, and to reconcile his volatile relationship with his brother Roderick.

A Toast

I have to give some credit to Director David Bowers for giving the film a quirky stylized feel that is rarely present in children’s movies. It is a choice that works to the benefit of older audiences, tired of the lazy cookie-cutter presentations given to most of these movies. Actor Steve Zahn is consistently amusing as the father dominated by his far more eloquent and driven wife. Mr. Heffley takes the Bill Cosby approach to parenting by recognizing that he isn’t the boss in the family, and he clearly doesn’t want the job. Zahn is a great dramatic actor as well, but has a great comedic timing. I’m pleased to say that he isn’t wasted here.The rest of the film however, will have you reaching for your flask.

Movieboozing Tip: hip flasks are perfect for smuggling into the theatre. They fit well in most pockets, and can be filled with just about anything. For this film though, I’d recommend navy-style rum to spice up your eight dollar “depth charge” sized Coke Zero.

Beer Two

I recognize that this film was made for subhumans (read: children) whose brains have not developed sufficiently to identify the difference between repetitive gross out gags and actual humor. But even considering that handicap, the gross-out moments in this film aren’t even inventive. They retread territory covered by the usual “embarrassment” comedy moments, setting up jokes in such a way that even the lowest forms of life in the theatre were left sighing.

Beer Three

Also sad is how little research the filmmaker’s put into the movie’s depiction of modern day childhood. In particular the teenage scene, where the world of Wimpy Kid feels straight out of the early 90’s. And remember those parent-free house parties you went to back in the day with no alcohol whatsoever? These damn kids are always causing trouble, with their conga lines, and their color TV sets, and their Coca-Cola…

Beer Four

The mother in this movie is a truly unusual figure; she is cruel and arbitrary in handing out punishments, yet she is also an enabler. In one scene, when she finds out about the House Party the kids threw, she bargains with Gregg so that he and Roderick go unpunished. But when the father finally finds out about the party, she takes none of the blame for staying silent, instead agreeing to hefty punishments for both children.

Worse yet, near the end of the film Roderick has been forced to not play in a big talent competition. But in a disturbing twist of the knife, Mrs. Heffley forces him to attend the show as a spectator, to watch as his band plays without him. Of course, this being family entertainment, she is eventually convinced to allow Roderick to play, but until then it seems like a terribly sadistic punishment.

Beer Five

It is fitting that the name of Roderick’s band is “Loded Diper”, because like the movie, the band is a sack of shit. And it is another example of this film’s archaic look at teen culture, because the music this band plays is a crude mix of nu-metal and early 90’s alternative. I have trouble deciding if this was a creative choice by the filmmakers to emphasize Roderick’s utter lack of talent and general out of touch idea of coolness, or simply another example of adults doing what they think kids do these days. Either way it manages to be both annoying and stupid.

Beer Six

He’s barely in the movie, but Greg and Roderick’s three year old brother is Satan incarnate, I’m certain of it. He is played by twin brothers, and they will have you shitting your pants in abject terror. Nearly everything bad that happens to Roderick and Greg in the film seems orchestrated by this criminal mastermind.

Here is a scene that may as well have been in the movie:

Verdict

Tolerable enough to watch with your Demon Spawn, but if they actually ask you to take them to this you might consider looking for an Exorcist… you know, just in case.

Bonus Drinking Game:

Take a drink: whenever evil little Manny appears.

Take a drink: every time the band name is mentioned

Fuck that Noise: Just drink heavily throughout the movie.

Kill the Irishman (2011)

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By: Oberst von Berauscht (Three Beers)

Danny Greene was one of Cleveland’s strangest public figures in the 1970’s. He was a man of many contradictions; a high school dropout, yet an avid intellectual, a rising star in the criminal underworld and a family man, a health conscious athlete, and yet he appeared on television and gave multiple interviews daring his enemies to kill him.

Just another Tuesday for the International Conference of Renaissance Men

A Toast

There is a definite appeal to American gangster films, as they represent an alternate history of this country as seen through the eyes of those who would rather not be seen. The rebels, the thieves and misanthropes who populate these stories are rarely depicted as being good people. Their stories are instead told, warts and all, with the hope that their positive traits will endear you to them, while their faults are revealed. You may not sympathize with them, but it is hard not to empathize. After all, these are characters that raise families, go to work, and live very much like the rest of us; they simply chose a path that put them on the wrong side of the rules of society.

This feeling is ever-present in Kill the Irishman, a portrait of the dark side of our history. Ray Stevenson is fascinating to watch as Danny Greene, who sees himself a Celtic warrior fighting for his life in a world that doesn’t follow a warrior’s code. It is also notable as the first major film to profile Mob activity within Cleveland, Ohio. The tragedy is that this film ultimately feels like a lost opportunity… kind of like Cleveland.

Beer Two

Director Jonathan Hensleigh clearly wanted this film to capture the atmosphere and feel of Mean Street, or Goodfellas. Unfortunately the stylized editing and clever camera techniques that worked so well under Martin Scorsese’s direction feel awkward and soulless here. This is partially due to a lack of cohesiveness in the storyline, which makes the film feel like a compilation of scenes rather than a whole work. Some of these scenes work well, heightening tensions and building characters organically, while others exist simply to explain a plot point. Val Kilmer and Christopher Walken’s roles in particular are wasted…

Beer Three

For a film with such a solid cast of actors, there are very few distinctive performances. Christopher Walken, so often the best name in the room, seems utterly lost. It is almost as if the director threw a costume on him and had him read cue cards while filming. His role of “Shondor” Birns, a Jewish-American gangster who befriends Danny and gives him his start in the business, was not a huge role, with maybe 10 minutes of total screen time. But anyone whose seen Pulp Fiction knows that Walken doesn’t have to be in a movie long to make a lasting impression. Walken played a more complex character in Joe Dirt.

Val Kilmer doesn’t belong in the movie at all.

What happened to you man?

As Police Detective Joe Manditski, he serves as the emotionless narrator. The narration lends nothing to the film except to bore us with statistics and tell us things we already know, because we’ve just seen it happen. The scenes he has with Ray Stevenson are supposed to show the strange truce that criminals have with Police off-hours, but Kilmer never strides for the sort of energy necessary to be memorable.

If I want to see an actor replace himself with a cardboard box, I’ll watch Keanu Reeves in Speed, because at least Dennis Hopper overacts enough to compensate for the both of them. This serves to remind you of the better Mob movies out there.

Verdict

Recommended for genre fans, but BYOB

Drinking Game:

Down an Irish Car Bomb every time one goes off (this is enough for a whole game).

Trailer Reviews, Week 9

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Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Roderick Rules

I’ve got to admit, I know almost nothing about this movie. This is a hell of an accomplishment considering there was already one of these, and it apparently made enough money to make a wide-release sequel. I could research a bit, or…

Google image search. Maybe it’s a cartoon? For kids or something?

Post trailer: Yep, least common denominator humor that Martin Lawrence would be ashamed of. Steve Zahn, I’m disappointed in you.

Beer Prediction

Whoever said stupid humor doesn’t hit the spot every once in awhile? Any more than this would be an upset, though.

Sucker Punch

Okay, this is something I can get on board with. Every time that Zack Snyder tries to drive me away, I just find myself drawn closer. This is apparently an original idea encompassing hot chicks, samurais, WWI, dragons, the dirty South, robots, and God knows what else presented in Snyder’s in-your-face visual style.

Yeah, I’ll give it a shot

The trailer just strengthens my resolve to watch this, no matter how much the critics may tell me it’s the clusterfuck it could easily become.

Beer Prediction

I’m plugging my ears and humming until I see this one. I’ll revise my expectations then.

The Tourist (2010)

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By: Henry J. Fromage (Four Beers)

An old-fashioned femme fatale sets up an American math teacher she meets on a train to throw police and murderous gangsters off the trail of her boyfriend. Danger and hi-jinks ensue when she starts to fall for her bait.

A Toast

This movie has it all: Hollywood superstars Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, and in-demand director coming off winning a Best Foreign Language Film Oscar for his debut feature, a script that’s a throwback to classic Cary Grant films with plenty of action, style, and humor, and one of the best shooting locations in the world- Venice.

Remove everything but the setting and I’d still watch two hours worth

Beer Two

And yet, The Tourist is somehow considerably less than a sum of its parts. One reason is probably its refusal to trust its audience. Early in the film, Jolie reads a letter from her beau stating “pick someone of my height and build and make them believe it’s me.” Not five minutes later Jolie repeats this in annoying voiceover as she’s boarding the train. Who do the screenwriter’s think they’re dealing with, anyway?

Beer Three

Probably the main pitfall of the film is the fact that it hinges on the relationship between Jolie and Depp and yet they have absolutely no chemistry. Part of this could be the fault of Depp, who really isn’t a leading man. He’s one of the best character actors out there, but a straight-faced, Grant or Clooney type he is not.

Not hardly…

Beer Four

I’ve got to blame a bit of Depp’s lifeless eyes and apparent boredom on his screen partner, though. The camera makes love to Jolie the whole film, and she gives it nothing in return. She walks in slow motion for something like an hour of the film, which includes an unnecessary close-up of her ass that looks like a boy scout rubbing two dry sticks together to make fire. She is just too skinny, folks, and that coupled with a complete lack of energy turns any attraction to her into fear for her health.

Jolie, relaxing after a hard day’s work.

Verdict

Watch it. It’s not as terrible as it sounds. Jolie starts looking less grotesque the more disheveled she gets and even a bored Depp brings enough quirk to make it worth a rental.