By: SG2 (6-Pack)
A pretty hot brunette named Sarah (Minka Kelly) goes to college and has a pretty cute blonde roommate, Rebecca (Leighton Meester). Turns out, Rebecca is obsessed with Sarah’s whereabouts, interests, and life. Sarah is unaware of Rebecca’s jealousy and obsession, despite all the signs and repeated warnings from her friends; deftly playing against the misconception that brunettes are intelligent.
Hello2Obvious she’s an Evil = Manic Cunt2!
A Toast
For a film that has very little going for it, it can sometimes be a challenge to find a reason to toast the film. Part of me wants to toast to hot chicks. For everything it lacks, at least it has stars that are pleasant to look at. Alyson Michalka is especially hot. However, it’d be too easy. In this case I have to raise my first glass of beer to Billy Zane’s cameo as Professor Roberts, who could find work in a time of recession and prove that he’s making little effort to improve his acting career.
Billy Zane is most known for his role as Clad from Titanic, the arrogant fiancé. Not many people know that his acting career started in Back to the Future, as one of Biff’s gang of friends. What made his role in The Roommate special for me was that he was a professor of fashion. Yes, the same Billy Zane who took Zoolander’s side during the “Walk-Off” against Hansel, in a movie that parodied the world of fashion, acting/modeling – and not the other way around. Some of the movies we could look forward to seeing him in are titled Guido, Tarantula, and Chupacabra. Way to go Billy!
Quick Billy! Your career is escaping!
Beer Two
My second swig of beer came after being reminded that douchebags get hot chicks. You ever notice those guys at the mall, or sometimes walking down the street, with a hot chick on his arm and you wonder why the hell is she going out with him? There are television shows and websites devoted to explaining this phenomenon of why nice guys truly finish last.
In The Roommate, it’s no different. Sarah goes to a frat party and meets Stephen (Cam Gigandet), a good looking frat boy playing the drums at a party. He spots her and takes a break from the music to spill beer all over her dress. He then immediately fesses up to doing it on purpose and she is SMITTEN! She actually likes the guy!
As Adam Carolla tells us, a sure sign of a douchebag is the tribal armband
Beer Three
The acting is so bad in this flick that you have to chug another beer just to stay in it. It’s awful. There’s a scene where Sarah and Rebecca are looking at some graffiti where it’s more than obvious that one actress is waiting for the other to finish their part before they go onto theirs. I suppose it’s more the director’s fault for allowing those awful scenes to stay in, but my guess is that they probably redid the scene 5 times before he was like, “Fuck it!”
If there’s one thing I should expect when I see “actors” on the big screen is to see some effort made. Perhaps I’m a little late to this (Editor’s Note- Yes.), but it’s now more than obvious that acting is not a prerequisite to be in a blockbuster film. Minka Kelly has been getting some work recently. I haven’t seen any of her other work, but if it’s anything like The Roommate I’d rather not see her in anything else. She was born for the role as Girl #3 in the Elevator and nothing more than that. Also, I was really bugged by her baby-talk voice.
I have the strongest urge to forgive her for some reason
Beer Four
If I had a roommate like Sarah walking around in her underwear looking like that photo-shoot, she might just stray into my thoughts during my alone time... but, would I obsess over her? Well, maybe. I can see why someone would become a little obsessed. She’s smoking hot! However, Rebecca the roommate is so jealous and obsessed with her roommate that this beer helps with taking in what is nothing short of pure lunacy.
Unless you yourself are insane, you probably wouldn’t have been able to guess the sort of shit this girl would be upset about. She didn’t like that Sarah would hang out with her boyfriend or go to parties with other people. She didn’t like her being out late. She didn’t like it when she didn’t respond to her phone calls. Indeed, this beer helps you forget why we should even care why Rebecca is insane. It’s not important. Leighton Meester, who plays Rebecca, went over the top. And for that, I raise my 4th beer for educating the audience on warning signs of a woman who is off her medication.
Beer Five
The plot is a mess… of course, by now the movie is nearly over and you shouldn’t care, which is why this 5th beer will help. Rebecca, it turns out, is from a wealthy family in LA and actually only lives 20 minutes away from home. Apparently Rebecca’s mother lets it slip that Rebecca should be on medication. She asks Sarah if she’s been taking it. Sarah is suddenly afraid for her life. Duh, bitch! Duh! Pyscho off their meds is a very cliché excuse for their bizarre behavior. What made this particularly dumb was all the repeated warnings from Sarah’s friends that “bitch be crazy!”
You’re my… precious.
Beer Six
Psycho kills a kitten. I won’t say how it’s done, as to not ruin it for you, but even the heaviest beer drinker of us will remember when someone does harm to an innocent little kitty! Rebecca kills the kitten out of spite because Sarah didn’t answer her cell phone.
Or, possibly she was just a cookie-hungry bitch.
Verdict
It’s a thriller that isn’t a winner. It’ll make you scream out loud in anger and frustration. So long as you’re at least 6 beers deep go on and enjoy the hot bodies and all the craziness. Otherwise, it might be time for another roommate.
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