By: Henry J. Fromage (3 Beers)
Piranha 3D is the throwback pulp type that used to dominate 3D. 3D is going to bigger and more exciting places, but that doesn’t mean there still isn’t a place for horror schlock in three dimensions, and Piranha 3D is one of the most entertaining examples of that in a long time.
Oh, and the plot’s about mutant piranhas that eat scantily-clad spring-breakers, in case you were wondering.
A Toast
You go to see a movie called Piranha 3D, you expect a few things. These would probably include lots of blood and gore, boobies, some badassery, and the most annoying characters being killed horrifically. Piranha 3D delivers on all of these fronts without screwing the pooch on everything else. When you compare it to a lot of horror flicks lately that deserves a toast.
You’ve got to love the 80s throwback casting with Elisabeth Shue, Christopher Lloyd, and Richard Dreyfuss as well. A last libation should go to the effective use of 3D to get you jumping (oh, and did I mention boobies? 3D makes those better, too…)
Subtract clothes, add 3D… yep.
Beer Two
Unfortunately, 3D has its drawbacks, too. You may need a beer to give yourself a reason for all the blur onscreen. Apparently there were good reasons for shooting in 2D and converting later, but the process generally turns out dark, hard-to-see pieces of junk like Clash of the Titans.
Piranha 3D does better than this, but a lot of the action sequences can be tough to track and scenes shot in dark places end up too dark. Cheesy special effects come par for the course in this type of flick, but another little gulp has to go to how fake the piranhas look… which is pretty damn fake.
Meh.
Beer Three
This beer is for a favorite horror movie conceit of mine… the kids. Apparently, filling up valuable time that could have been spent on nudity with small children stupidly wandering into dangerous situations is some scriptwriters’ idea of creating tension. This could not be further from the truth, because we all know that nobody’s going to kill little kids in a horror movie, so basically you just spend your time building up an irrational hatred of little Timmy and Sally as they “take adventures” into dark caves filled with human skeletons or swim in shark-infested waters because they’re too dumb to read a sign.
I say it’s high time that horror flicks reflect Timmy and Sally’s actual survival chances, which are very slim. Maybe watching lil’ Timmy get lost and starve to death in a cave or Sally get dragged out to sea would be a valuable lesson to today’s youth... things that look dangerous probably are, so stay wherever your parents left ya.
Just die already.
Verdict
Watch it. It’s mantertainment at its most basic.
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